The Golden Globes 2013: Oops, I Forgot

Having seen as many episodes of Intervention as I have, I always hoped I would never hit rock bottom. But then at work, my boss asked me what I thought about the Golden Globes last night, which is when I realized I had entirely forgotten about them. At that moment, I knew I had hit rock bottom. Hard. Like Lindsay Lohan hitting a bottle of vodka. Or Chris Brown hitting Rihanna. HARD. I’ve neglected all of you, and I am extending my deepest apologies. But since sincerity isn’t really my strong suit, let’s get on with this, shall we?

From what I’ve gathered from various news outlets, last night’s award show was quite eventful, starting with Jodie Foster coming out of the closet (something I didn’t realize she hadn’t already done). After receiving a Lifetime Achievement Award for something-or-other, she stood up on that stage and said, “So I’m just going to put it out there, loud and proud. I’m going to need your support on this. I am… single.”

Girl, that doesn’t count. Though judging from the picture, that dress and hair combination really shows off her lesbian wiles.

Jennifer Lawrence – shown here looking totally natural and not at all uncomfortable – managed to get some quick criticism from her acceptance speech after she let everyone know, “I beat Meryl!”. Don’t worry, ignorant masses. She was just quoting Bette Midler in The First Wives Club, so shut up, trolls.

Taylor Swift lost the “Best Original Song” category to Adele, prompting this face:

That is the look of a bitter, scheming woman. Adele, that bitch is about to grind up your parents and feed them to you disguised in chili. Just watch your back.

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley: Angelina did this already; and if I just look at your leg, I would swear you were a geriatric. Though your Oil of Olay anti-aging serum is doing wonders.

Eva Longoria looks like a madame.

And Emma Roberts looks like one of her girls.

I don’t even know what to say about these girls. I keep getting distracted by their camel smiles. Though it is nice to see V-Hudge washed her hair and isn’t wearing burlap.

And there you have it, the Golden Globes of 2013! At this point, I feel like I watched the awards in their entirety and I can finally rest easy. That is, until tomorrow, when LiLo/Amanda Bynes/Demi Lovato (maybe?) hits someone with their car.

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