If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, then you know that I’m not a big fan of the double dress. I’m really, REALLY not a fan. But despite the vibes I keep sending out against this fad (thanks a lot, The Secret), there are still some celebrities out there who are trying to make it happen. IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
Granted, Reese Witherspoon is technically wearing this for the Vanity Fair Oscars Afterparty, but I would like to reiterate: STOP IT. JUST STOP IT. IT DIDN’T LOOK GOOD TWO YEARS AGO, IT DIDN’T LOOK GOOD ONE YEAR AGO, AND IT DOESN’T LOOK GOOD NOW. JUST STOP.
But along with this visual assault on the public, La Witherspoon did manage to treat us with a peek of her boob.
Jessica Biel – despite not appearing in anything truly worth while since 7th Heaven and the tabloids where her marriage is constantly failing – really pulled out all of the stops to bring us a quality Jennifer Aniston look. It takes a lot of effort to look this beige. Beige dress! Beige shoes! Beige face! It’s like a napkin I would get at a fancy restaurant: obviously better than what I would get at Red Lobster, but I’m still going to wipe my mouth with it.
In case you decided to spend your night last night sitting in a dank cave with your fingers in your ears, the Academy Awards happened. And SO MUCH HAPPENED! People got awards! Ellen DeGeneres told jokes! But most importantly, Liza Minnelli graced everyone’s presence wearing what I can only assume was her cognac-sipping lounge suit: “Hello, Dahling.”
The fact that it’s Liza wearing this outfit is the only reason I can’t hate on it. If it were, say, GOOP walking the carpet in this, I wouldn’t be able to muster up a single ounce of forgiveness. Then again, she’d probably reproduce it for her blog and sell every last one for $5000 a pop.
But if we look a little closer – past the lack of a bra and the clogs she clearly forgot to take off after she went to the grocery store – we can see that she has the ultimate matching accessory:
BANGS. MATCHING BANGS.
I’m sure that there was some thought involved in coordinating all of this royal blue silk pajama majesty, but I like to think that she woke up like this. *Flawless*
It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything, but nothing gets me back into the game like a fantastic* jumpsuit! Enter, Selena Gomez: At first, I was convinced this was two pieces – a bedazzled breast holster matched with a pair of pants clearly tailored for a woman much, much taller. But upon closer inspection, I realized that the two were fused in what I can only assume was a bout of serious black magic conjuration.
She wore this to the Unite4:Humanity event, where she received the Young Luminary award for her works as an ambassador for Unicef over the last few years. And while I can respect someone putting her celebrity toward something admirable and respectable, I can’t get past the idea that this jumpsuit was a sly method of telling everyone that we’ve all been Punk’d. Advantage: Gomez.
I’m not exactly the biggest fan of Selena Gomez. Aside from the fact that she is another cog in the Disney machine, She also happens to be one of the least vocally talented pop-stars I’ve seen in a long while - albeit VERY PRETTY. But then I saw this number, and I wonder if my tone is about to change. Sure, it might need to be hemmed some, and sure, it has 3/4 sleeves which just upset me in general; but this doesn’t make me break out into a fit of rage, which is what I consider a win.
I just wish the winning continued:
OH SELENA NO.
Everything about this completely cancels out whatever positive feelings I felt for her about 5 minutes ago. Aside from looking like Cleopatra stuck in a dead-end job as a go-go dancer, I can’t get over that wig. I’m pretty certain I own the same one, and I found mine at the Goodwill. You might want to visit a doctor sometime soon.
As much as I love to criticize for Miley Cyrus for doing pretty much anything, I don’t know if I can do it this time. Her body is seriously bangin’, and the cut on that suit is damn close to perfection. It’s also what I imagine Ellen Degeneres would wear if she were younger and looser. But if you think this was the beginning of La Cyrus making good decisions for the night, think again:
Miley wore a kitten-covered jazzercise suit while a GIANT KITTEN LIP-SYNCED THE ENTIRETY OF “WRECKING BALL”. I really want to be frustrated with Miley right now, but I’m finding it very difficult. I mean, she’s getting back-up from a giant kitten. Whoever came up with this idea deserves a promotion, a raise, and a yellow Bentley because SHIT THAT’S CUTE.
Since Gaga started really pushing ARTPOP, her crazy has been shining through all of the boring and basic (I’m looking at you, T-Swift). And her entrance to the AMA’s last night was no exception. Here she is wearing a purple Versace gown while riding a white horse made of Quilted Northern and two very hot men. You know how I can tell they are hot men?
Ugly people don’t have asses like that.
That said, I’m very glad Gaga is back to her old tricks. Despite riding in on a snow white, sexy, man-steed, she looks awfully demure. Like a Disney Princess on her way to sing a song about sex with R. Kelly. I love it!